Hi. My name is Akasha Balkman. I am Oglala Lakota and Yankton Sioux. I live in Seattle, Washington with my family. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years, and we have four children – two girls and two boys, Ashton, Madison, Camden, and Carson.

 

Five years ago, I felt prompted to go back to school to get a master’s degree in social work. I was inspired by my Native American grandfather to pursue this career and follow in his footsteps. He was a distinguished social worker and had touched the lives of many Native American families and communities.

 

My grandfather was my greatest mentor and taught me about my Lakota culture, traditions, my ancestors, and many important life lessons. I was heartbroken when he passed away in 2021, and I was determined to keep his legacy alive and honor him through my social work career. Soon after he passed, I felt another prompting.  This time it was to specialize in loss and grief. I later completed a pediatric fellowship program and accepted a job at Seattle Children’s Hospital after I graduated. 

 

Looking back, I believe Heavenly Father was directing my career path and preparing me for what He knew would be the most heartbreaking experience of my life. On September 23rd, 2022, we lost our youngest child, Carson, at just seven years old. Our perfect, sweet, healthy boy died unexpectedly in his sleep from Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. This is a category of death where the medical cause remains unknown even after a thorough medical investigation.

 

My heart felt like it completely shattered, and I experienced pain and anguish so severe that I did not know how I could possibly go on. However, from the very beginning of our grief, my husband and I knew that we had a choice to make after losing our son. We could hold onto our faith and rely on it for comfort, or we could turn away from God out of anger and despair. Gratefully, we chose to hold onto our faith and have been truly blessed with strength beyond our own throughout our journey.

Over the past two years I developed deep empathy for others who have also experienced profound loss, which has led me to my current position as a bereavement therapist though the Journey Program at Seattle Children’s. I specialize in working with Indigenous families in providing culturally congruent bereavement care. Throughout this work, I feel like I am fulfilling part of my life mission. My patriarchal blessing mentions that I will be blessed with a gift to feel God’s love for others as I look into their eyes and serve them. It is truly a sacred honor to walk with others in their grief and feel the profound love that God has for them. 

 

While grief is unique to every person, I have found some things to be universally true. For example, I have learned that grief is a natural response to loss, and at the center of grief is love. Because I have eternal love for my son, I will grieve our separation until I am with him again. In D&C 42:45, it says, “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that though shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” This describes that our grief is deeply rooted in love.

 

President Nelson in the Ensign, May 1992, taught that “we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandments.” I would never give up the love I have for my son to end the sorrow I now feel from losing him.

 

President Nelson also shared that “we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life.” This important lesson teaches us that feeling deep sorrow is not a sign of having less faith; it is a natural response in accord with Heavenly Father’s plan for us. 

 

I have also realized the importance of feeling all of the emotions associated with grief. When we lean into our grief, there is a greater capacity for healing and transformation. The more I allow myself to feel all the raw and heavy feelings of loss, the more I increase my capacity to also feel comfort and peace.

 

When Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail, he expressed to God the pain he was experiencing as the Saints were being persecuted and he was unable to help them. The Lord told him in D&C 121:7-8, “Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” This scripture shows God’s understanding of our pain and the importance of going through grief rather than avoiding it. 

Another lesson I have learned through my grief journey is that the heavy burden of loss becomes lighter when I am able to share my grief story with others who are willing to listen. Grief needs to be witnessed and acknowledged. Sharing our grief stories is one way we can feel supported and connected. Jeffery R. Holland said, “When we speak of those who are grieving, we are speaking of those who need our love and support.” In Mosiah we read that we should “mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” When we find compassionate listeners willing to walk with us in our grief, we can share the burden and not feel so alone. 

 

Grief is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul and needs compassionate care. For me, that means finding ways to integrate my grief into my daily life while working toward balance and harmony. My Lakota culture, traditions, and rituals have really helped my family feel grounded, hopeful, and connected to Carson and our ancestors. We have found healing and community through attending powwows, cultural events, and participating in smudging and sweat lodge ceremonies. Every time we seek healing through Indigenous practices, we feel strengthened by our ancestors.

 

My grandfather taught me that the medicine wheel can provide us with direction and balance in our lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the medicine wheel is a symbolic circle divided into four sections and is a sacred teaching to many Indigenous peoples. While there are different tribal interpretations, the teachings of the medicine wheel have profound similarities to the gospel and are rooted in spiritual growth. Each direction and color relate to our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. 

 

One of my favorite quotes that relates to the medicine wheel is from a book called Meditations with Native American Elders: The Four Seasons, by Don Coyhis. It says, “The Elders tell us the greatest gift we can seek is peace of mind, to walk in balance, and to respect all things. For us to do this, we must have peace within ourselves, and peace within ourselves cannot come unless we are walking the path the Creator would have us walk. Sometimes the tests on this path are difficult, but we know that each test makes us stronger.” 

For me, when I am struggling with my grief, I try to think about which part of the medicine wheel I need to focus on and give it extra attention and care. I was taught that the west direction of the medicine wheel is the color black and helps us connect with the depth of our emotions. It allows space for sorrow, tears, and the acknowledgment of love and loss. I have found that listening to Native American flute music helps me feel grounded in my emotions.  Daily prayer also helps me express my feelings to Heavenly Father and receive comfort through the Holy Ghost. 

 

After Carson died, my heart was in excruciating pain and I prayed for comfort and understanding. As I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father, I immediately had a memory come to my mind of a very sacred spiritual experience I had many years before. During this experience, I was praying for guidance on whether we were supposed to have another baby, since I had had three high-risk pregnancies with my older children. I received a powerful answer that we were going to have one last child and that everything was going to be okay. Soon after this experience I became pregnant with Carson, our miracle baby, but was devastated to learn that my pregnancy had also serious complications, and my doctors did not think he would make it to birth. However, I held onto my faith that everything would be okay throughout my pregnancy and again after Carson was born and immediately placed in the NICU for breathing concerns. When this memory came back to me as I was praying for comfort, I knew that Heavenly Father was telling me that the same answer still applies to me now, though it has a much deeper meaning. I know that since we are sealed together as an eternal family, everything will be okay in the next life.

Going back now to the teachings of the medicine wheel, the north direction is represented by the color white. It encourages us to be mindful of our physical health and connection to Mother Earth. I have learned that spending time in nature provides healing and closeness to our loved ones on the other side. My family has experienced beautiful connections to Carson’s spirit through nature and animals. These synchronicities and tender mercies have shown us that our angel boy is always with us.

 

One example is when our family was hiking around a lake last summer, and we watched two bald eagles fly over our heads and land in a nearby tree. We immediately recognized it as a beautiful sign from Carson. As we continued to watch the eagles, we were amazed to see a sacred eagle feather float down from the tree and land directly in front of us. This is just one example of the many ways we have felt close to Carson and our ancestors while spending time in nature.

The east direction and the color yellow represent mental clarity, light, and hope. Even in the darkness of grief, the east teaches that time, reflection, introspection, and healing and renewal are possible. I have found that meditation and studying the scriptures have helped me feel peace and understanding. Carson’s favorite animal was a bear, and his Native American name is Little Wise Bear. He died on the 23rd, so now we call the 23rd of each month “Bear Day”. On each Bear Day we gather around a campfire in our backyard and we sing and pray and meditate together to feel close to him. Participating in this tradition has helped us process our grief and feel more grounded in our daily lives.

 

Since Carson passed, we also embraced a daily routine of studying Come, Follow Me lessons every night before bed. Shortly after Carson died, our oldest son had a special experience while getting ready for bed. He had an image come to his mind of our family doing Come, Follow Me with Carson reading the scriptures to all of us. He recognized that experience as a message from Carson that we need to be doing daily scripture study as a family. Since then, we have tried our best to do it every night, and our testimonies have grown stronger through our gospel discussions. 

Now moving on to the south, the south direction of the medicine wheel is represented by the color red, and it symbolizes spiritual growth and the connection to our Creator and ancestors. It encourages us to hold onto our faith and trust in our Heavenly Father’s plan. Our family has experienced profound healing through Indigenous ceremonies and regularly attending the temple. We have also experienced spiritual enlightenment through sweat lodge ceremony and smudging. The prayers in the ceremonies remind us to walk in the right way and grow closer to our Creator and ancestors.

 

Before our loss, I wanted to attend the temple often, but I found it difficult to find the time to go regularly. However, after losing Carson we have discovered we need to be in the temple as often as possible. We have found the sealing ordinance to be especially healing as we feel close to our family in the spirit world. A temple worker recently shared with us that “sealing is healing,” and we have definitely found that to be true.

 

One experience I had a few months after Carson died helped me recognize how important it is to do temple work for our ancestors. My husband and I were doing proxy sealings when I heard my Lakota great-grandmother’s full name spoken in my mind. I was not sure why I’d heard her name because we were doing temple work for other family members at the time, and I thought that her work was already completed. Later that night I checked Family Search and was surprised to discover that I was wrong. I was even more surprised to find out that her initiatory ordinance was recently completed in the Seattle Washington temple the very same day that I was also there doing temple initiatories. I later completed my great-grandmother’s endowment, and I felt so much gratitude for this tender mercy and the special experience I had completing her work.

 

Lastly, at the center of the medicine wheel is the Great Spirit. The Sacred Center unites all aspects of the wheel and represents connection and eternal life. It reminds us to think celestial and follow the teachings of our Savior.  

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”  I love this scripture because it emphasizes the importance of keeping the Lord at the center of our lives and trusting in his wisdom. I have come to accept that we will likely never know exactly why or how Carson died at just seven years old. While our grief feels large enough to fill this planet, we place our trust in God and know that everything will be okay in the end.

I am so grateful for my Savior and His guiding and comforting light in my life. He is the only one who has truly felt my sorrows and is able to ease my burdens. In 2 Nephi 31:20 it reads, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: ye shall have eternal life.”

 

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ someday I will be reunited with my son, and my family will be made whole again. Until that sweet reunion, I will hold onto my faith and traditions and follow in my Savior’s footsteps. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.